My son had another seizure last night.

No warning. No real signs.

We were sitting down to eat dinner, and laughing and talking and 4 seconds later his brain kidnapped him.

The tremors started while he was sitting, which meant we had to get him out of the chair and onto the floor so we could get him on his left side.

Normally, he’s 180 pounds. Seizing, he’s immovable. 

Somehow we managed to get him down, on his side and wrap the pillow around the back of his thrashing head.

After 2 minutes, he came around but for a long time after he wasn’t 100%.

The stress of the event caused me to have a panic attack.

One so bad I thought I was actually having a heart attack.

I needed to disassociate myself from the situation.

I needed to sit down.

Put a bag of frozen carrots on my neck.

Drink cold water.

I felt like a failure.

My son needed me and even though the worst for him was over, I couldn’t be there for him completely.

I checked on him all night. I just kept going in his room to make sure he was okay.

I kept apologizing to him for being a mess.

He told me it was okay.

But, it’s not okay.

This is NOT okay.

I am NOT okay.