Sarkastickunt

Shaving my bikini area is like an olympic event.

I need razors, but NOT JUST ANY RAZORS. I need the kind with an aloe strip and four blades and a bendy handle with a rubber grip and if it was pink or purple and shit that would be awesome.

Then I need shaving cream. Preferably the kind that smells all fruity and stuff and makes my hoo hoo smooth like  a new vinyl LP fresh from the record store. (You will only get this reference if you were born before 1985). I will in case of an emergency break the glass on my hubby’s shaving gel but it makes my vag smell like my Uncle Paulie and well, how can that be sexy? It’s not. Not even to my Aunt Angela.

I can’t do it unless I am in the shower. I know some people can just slather on cream or lotion and start hacking at their weeds,  but I feel weird just standing their naked from the waist down with my tee shirt tucked into my bra trying to balance on the toilet so I can reach my hard to get speed bumps and not get water and stubble and blood all over the place (because how the hell can you NOT rip 8 layers of your skin off  while squatting over your bathroom rug?).

I also can’t do it in a tub, because ewwww. Floating in your own removed hair follicles is about as sexy as the whole squatting over the bowl thing.

So, I soap up. Lotion up. Lube up. Or whatever and after I get the area from my navel to my inner thighs glistening like the head of Howie Mandel I wield that 9 dollar disposable razor like a surgeon about to implant a baboon heart,  I shave with the precision of a race car driver. Trying to stay in the lines. Making sure I am neat and perfect and that no bump gets left unturned (unshaved…apples/oranges). I lean forward and pull back and dangle my ankle off the side of the tub with the agility of a performer straight from Cirque de Soleil. I lather rinse and repeat making sure I get EVERYTHING cuz  no one wants to put their mouth on something that feels all stubbly like Kenny Chesney’s chin sooooo it takes awhile. Perfection is hard to obtain. And lets not even discuss the lengths you have to go through to get to the HARD TO REACH areas. It’s like you’re playing Operation and your jittery hand needs to be careful or else BUZZZZZZZ you have two rectums. Or just one really big vagina that you can poop from.

Oooohhh wait…you thought I was done?

I’m  not done.

After you are done getting your undercarriage all SPIFFY  you have to make sure you don’t put on any light colored or fancy schmancy panties because even though you used a titanium and platinum plated razor, your  front bump will still bleed like someone shaved you with a piece of a broken wiper blade from an El Camino.

And what do we get for all our troubles?

Is it appreciated?

Is it worth it?

No,  not really. We get 12 hours of stubble free coochie that HOPEFULLY our spouses will even SEE let alone appreciate, followed by 2-4 days of uncontrollable itching caused by regrowth. 

So, this Valentine’s Day…if you see that your significant other shaved the light fantastic for you…tell her thank you. Or…rub some aloe on it. 

Either one.