Sarkastickunt

  • I always sing along when I listen to music, happily ignorant to the fact that I sound like a rabid ferret getting railed with a bat studded with nails.
  • Ha…new band name.
  • No one makes me laugh like my kids. Except when I see you guys naked…then I LAUGH HARD AND LONG. 
  • I don’t understand pockets in aprons. What are you putting in there? Samples? Spoons? Snacks for later?
  • My phone knows the word cunt but still turns XOXO into coco. Asshole.
  • I haven’t been to a concert since NKOTB. And I don’t even think that really counts. Although, I got groped and high from the fumes of a passing doobie smoked by a fat girl in espadrilles. I don’t know what that means either.
  • I spend a considerable amount of time vacuuming. I mean..like..hours a week. My kids are animals. Okay..me too.
  • Nude colored tank tops are dangerous and cause multiple double takes at the gym.
  • I would like to smoke an electric cigarette. Whilst wearing satin elbow length gloves. Or maybe just a Newport. I don’t even care.
  • I am bi lingual…I can order anything off the menu at Taco Bell.
  • I am making a roast beef and the whole time it’s cooking I am thinking about pizza. if that is not proof I need a lobotomy..I don’t know what is.
  • I bet if I order a pizza tomorrow I will sit and think about roast beef.
  • I’m an asshole.

86 notes
3 months ago
  1. palomaloma said: I legit just snorfeld out loud at bullet number three. Yes, SNORFELD.