Sarkastickunt

I wake up some mornings with the taste in my mouth. I can smell it on my breath. It feels so intense, there’s no way it’s not real. I can hear my heart racing. I can feel my skin breathing. It’s IN me.

Until reality starts sobering me up.

Just a dream.

Not real.

So, I lay there for a long time, trying, grasping, reaching..holding on to that feeling with everything I have inside me. It’s like a desperate tug of war and I am pulling and my hands are blistered from holding on so tightly because I know if I blink…if I don’t fight…it will be gone. 

The feeling…the high…it will be lost.

And even though I know I made the right choice 14 years ago, I still think about it. I still wish I hadn’t abused my right to get high when I wanted, with no consequence. With no backlash. 

14 years later and even though I lost everything I knew and even though it took everything away from me that I loved I still miss it.

I am both humbled and terrified by it all at once.