Sarkastickunt

I was raised catholic for most of my life.

I attended catholic school, received all the necessary sacrements and went to church with my family every single week.

When I was about 18 I realized that the way I was choosing to live was not only frowned upon by my religion but in most cases, shunned completely.

I felt orphaned. I felt like I had nothing. No faith in myself, no faith in my God.

Until I went into drug treatment. 

All they talked about was God this and God Bless that and there were prayers and it was really pissing me off.

So, one night after a shitty NA meeting where I was frustrated and annoyed and my disease was itching for me to start a fight I said something about it.

“This is bullshit”, I yelled from my seat, “Absolute and utter fucking bullshit.”

And it felt like the whole room held it’s breath and faced me.

“All you bitches talk about is higher powers and it works if you work it and praying to a god for serenity…but where was your god when you were fucked up? Where was MY  god when I needed to baptize my baby and I was 18 and single and told I was worthless and not welcome? Where was god when I was being raped and beaten and FUCK YOU if you think I’m going to let you tell me some bullshit story about him carrying me on the beach, because I don’t fucking think so.”

There were some whispers and rolled eyes and I was sure I was going to get thrown out of the program for being blasphemous but I needed to say my piece and there was no going back.

And then this small voice from the back said…

“Your god can be anything you want him or her to be. If you find strength in your dog, let your dog be your higher power. If you find strength in poetry, let the written word be your savior. If every damn morning you wake up and can’t function without caffeine, than make your coffee pot be your Protector.”

I sat still and just listened.

She said, “When you close your eyes, or when you are all alone do you ever hear a voice inside your head warning you, spurring you on, encouraging you, talking you through shit?”

And I nodded and said, “Every damn day.”

And she said…and I will never forget it, “Child…then just shut up and listen because THAT is your god. That is your higher power…that is your salvation. So, when you are lonely and scared and fearful and alone…just talk to that inner voice and ask it for help. Ask it to forgive your mistakes. Ask it to comfort you and hold you tight until you are no longer afraid. Ask it to love you.”

And from that day forward, I did.

And I do.

And I always will.