Oct 3

Things I’ve learned on my weekend long tour of the Midwest

  • Waiting until the last minute to book a flight is NEVER a good idea.
  • O’Hare airport in Chicago is sooooo huge, that you could burn calories and lose weight simply walking from one fast food joint to another.
  • Packing in the dark is absolutely ridiculous if you plan on looking cute when you get to your destination.
  • Chris is the most awesome person…ever. He made this trip possible for me, because the flights to Grand Rapids were just NOT in my price range. So, he offered to pick me up in Chicago, so that I could road trip with him to Michigan and see my best friends and have my grown up weekend.  And for that…I will have his back eternally.
  • Cherilyn is more than just my friend. She completes me…she is my forever friend. And she also squeals like a pig when you tell her something exciting. She is beyond awesome and if you have never met her, you are really, truly missing out. OM-AHH-LETTE DU FROMMAGE, MOTHER FUCKERS!!!!
  • Amanda inspired me to be healthier. She has lost so much weight, is taking such good care of herself, is starting to dump the negative and embrace the positive that I am simply a better person for knowing her. Also? She can drink like a fish…or like a sea sponge? Like a…uhmm…like..whatever it is that can drink and drink and drink and mix their alcohol and not fall down (okay..maybe a few times) and dance with strangers and on tables and spider man windows and just be the goddamn life of the goddamn party. She can drink like that. 
  • Lisa is the cutest, most awesome, most know it all gossip queen who can rock a moose hat like no one’s fucking business and she can open a can of pineapple like fucking Magyver. She shared her hair care products with me, because I am a loser who left everything I own at home and I love her so fucking hard my thighs are chafed. Also? When she gets a sexy text, she fans herself and blushes like a 13 year old girl.
  • Jessica planned this event from 400 miles away and did a fucking amazing job but more than that she brought all of the people that live in my computer that I am in love with to one place…and really..? Is there anything better than that?
  • Gary, Indiana smells like an old tampon crammed into the cooter of a dead and bloated hobo vagina.
  • Michigan really likes fucking weird art.
  • Piano bars are dumb. UNLESS they have a nightclub that plays hip hop upstairs.
  • It gets really fucking cold in the Midwest in October.
  • Always bring a breast pump with you if you’re going to be away from your baby for longer than 8 hours.
  • Wringing out your tits like rags in the shower 10 times a day is not as exciting as you would think it is.
  • Hauling ass and walking out on your friends after giving some bullshit excuse as to why, and claiming you need more ACTUAL and less VIRTUAL, whilst standing among the REAL…is like spitting right into the mouths of the people you claim to be friends with. So…with that said…FUCK YOU. 
  • A bucket o’ booze will cause you to get so drunk you will forget your shoes in the bar and pee yourself a little….I heard.
  • No one smokes weed in Michigan.
  • They line dance to rap music.
  • Cleveland airport is the best one to poop in. It’s practically empty.

There was more…but suffice to say I had more fun than should be legally allowed.

I love my friends. I love this community and I can’t wait until we can all regroup, recover…and do this shit all over again.