February 2012
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My head is beeping
There is no headache quite like a menstrual migraine.
I am in day two of the auras, the throbbing over the left eye, the fatigue and the sensitivity to light.
I have taken tylenol but I am not hopeful that’s going to work.
The only cure for this kind of pain is time.
It has to run it’s course.
When the rise in my hormone level abates, the vise across the top of my head will...
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WAIT???!?!?!
Andrew Lincoln has a British accent?
MIND. BLOWN.
Apart.
Into pieces.
All over my couch.
Seriously.
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How does a person eat an entire pudding cake?
Add one part boredom.
Another part depression.
Sprinkle in some anxiety.
And don’t forget the period rage…ALL THE MOTHERFUCKING PERIOD RAGE..
And voila…
Gone.
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normalgetsyou-nowhere:
C&C Music Factory-...
troothies and stop looking at my falsies.
I go from 0 to 65 in 8 seconds when it’s time for me to go anywhere or do anything with the baby. I need a diaper bag and a change of clothes and a few bottles and some snacks and my keys and my phone and my water bottle and my tylenol and the baby’s coat and the stroller and a million other things I can’t remember right now and by the time I get out of the house I am exhausted...
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If you can’t manage your life AND maintain our friendship….then I don’t want to know you.
I have been surrounded by fickle people most of my entire adult life and in the end it has always ended badly for me.
I invest my heart and my advice and my time only to have the other person blame their complicated lives and struggles on why they couldn’t meet me halfway and be my...
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I was going to write a post about how Angelina...
But I decided against it because truth be told she looks like she’s already fucking dead.
Holy shit…skinny is one thing, emaciated is another.
I don’t think she’s cute. I don’t think she’s sexy.
And I just don’t get the fucking appeal anymore.
It’s not even the fact you could see her pulse through her dress that repulses me so much as it’s...
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My Snark hangover took a little longer to hit this...
I woke up this morning and sat in my bed and was instantly sad.
I don’t have anything to look forward to for a while.
I don’t have any thing to plan, or organize.
I don’t have any one to laugh with or hang out with.
I miss my friends.
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Victoria had a secret...and it wasn't just her...
There are very few dirty secrets that a woman has that are more disgusting than her collection of period panties.
Sure, we have pretty ones that we love to show off and that we pair with seductive matching bras and maybe even hosiery for that special occasion where we shave/wax/pluck all the unwanted hair from our secret places and don in the hopes we get fucked good and proper.
We also have...
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Scary wind is scary
And crazy baby is crazy.
And sleepy mommy is sleepy.
The baby has been waking up screaming in the middle of the night…. Nothing gently pries you from the snuggled arms of tranquility like blood curdling shrieks.
I had this weird dream I went on a cruise with some of you. It was strange. And awkward.
I guess looking at tumblr and cheap caribbean before bed gave my subconscious...
Sometimes I wish my vagina was a penis because when a guy wants to freshen up, all he has to do is soap up a rag and scrub his junk until it squeaks.
For a woman, all her equipment is up high and out of reach like a rabid raccoon hiding in an attic and cleaning it is a three step process that involves recon, special ops and backup.
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WatchNot sure why my camera does that turning to the side thing, but fuck it!!! Turn your head. It’s LISA… And she’s DANCING!!!!
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Things I don't give a fuck about:
The academy awards. I used to watch the pre show and eat junk food and talk shit about all the nominees but I have kids now and no girl friends to watch the show with, so fuck that.
Chris Brown and Rihanna. I hope they ARE back together. I don’t care if they have lots of little funny looking rage babies and I don’t care if one day we see the inside of their crack den on the front...
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All of the fair maidens of Tumblr are busy syncing their menstrual cycles together causing a vile, angry, hormonal vortex of deep dark clouds of uterine misery that are now hanging menacingly over the entire kingdom that is our community.
Nothing good can come of this.
Seek cover and tell your loved ones you care about them.
This has been a warning.
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The kids have been home all week.
I feel like all my nerves have been removed and stuffed back into my body all frazzled and jumbled up and twisted.
I’ve yelled at them a million and one times.
I am just so goddamn irritable.
I haven’t left my house since sunday and I feel disgusting about that.
The weekend is approaching and I have no plans. NO ways and means to make...
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TMI Thursday
I love how pretty my nails look when they are done but I swear I would rip them all off my hands if I could just have 5 minutes to myself so I can pick my friggin’ nose.
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Sometimes I see a person reblogged in my dash and...
Seriously? Why do I catch so much shit for being the supposed biggest bitch in our little group when there are sooooo many BLATANT angry, bitter mother fuckers mingling among us that no one seems to focus on?
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I have a love affair with NYC.
I can lose myself in the hum of activity that wraps around you like an expensive cloak.
The people. The aromas. The faces of diversity. The colors that swirl past you like a snow globe tornado.
It is so magical it is almost painful to imagine leaving. It has so many layers. So many depths and so many hidden dreams just waiting to become discovered and claimed.
...
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The first time I did standup it was at an open mic night in a comedy club in Brooklyn called PIP’S.
They discovered Rodney Dangerfield…sooo I thought if he could do it, so could I.
I had four long island iced teas before it was my turn.
The previous comedians were all men, and their routines felt like shit I’d heard my entire life.
I walked up to the mic and I remember...
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My panic attacks have no rhyme or reason.
They come when I am sad, they find me when I am happy.
They just show up and ruin everything.
I can feel them now. They don’t just jump out of alleys and hold a knife to my neck anymore, like they used to.
I can hear them. I can smell their cologne.
I know the signs.
I can almost brace myself for their arrival.
And then it’s a race. A...
Things I've actually said today....
Oh look, she pulled a piece of orange off her leg. It’s just like that scene in Stand By Me with the leeches.
I swear, if I have to raise my voice one more time I am coming in there with a wooden spoon covered in nails because I’m about to get all THUNDER DOME on you bitches!!
I wouldn’t fuck him with a rented vagina and some fat guys foot on my back.
How many showers do I...
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My first tweetup I ever went to was a NYC tweetup.
Moe, who is from CANADA, was in town and decided to try to get some people together to drink with him and stuff.
He picked a very small, very hole in the wall, bar because supposedly it had the cheapest drinks in town.
I got to meet Dave, and Yayaa and Dani and so many other locals I can’t even remember right now.
But it started...
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It was 1998 and I was living in a 24 bed facility in NYC undergoing the final stages of my drug treatment.
I was sort of dating this guy and he took me home, on one of our weekend passes, to meet his mother.
She was very sweet. Puerto Rican. Old school. Her house was immaculate.
She cooked us pernil and arroz con gandules and she was just the best ever.
So after dinner, to show my gratitude I...
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edgellace replied to your post: It’s $7,000.00 to rent the Jersey Shore house for the weekend
I don’t think I’ll be welcome, seeeing as I have never watched an episode of that.
Shut your whore mouth!!!! You can be my meatball!!!!
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FIST PUMP TWEETUP!!!!
FIST PUMP TWEETUP!!!
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It's $7,000.00 to rent the Jersey Shore house for...
And all I can think about is..how do I make this happen so I can have a Tweetup there????
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Major Panic attack and crying like a five year old
Ya know…the usual.
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SUMMER SNARK???
BOOM!!!!!!
It’s officially a thing.
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I’m not a political genius but this is my 2 cents:
If you want to run for political office, you can’t be a fucking millionaire. You can be rich before your election and you can get all your money back AFTER your term, but if you are going to make financial decisions FOR ME, you have to know how to stretch 3 dollars into 25. There should be a stipend or salary and they should live in...
I don’t understand scorned women.
I mean, I do.
I’ve been cheated on. I’ve been mistreated. I’ve been betrayed.
What I don’t get are the women that just won’t let it the fuck go.
He cheated.
Your marriage ended.
But it’s been 5 years.
FIVE. FUCKING. YEARS.
Is any dick worth mooning over or pining over, or crying over for FIVE FUCKING YEARS?
He...
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Everyday feels like Groundhog’s Day.
I get up and do the same 6 things. Sometimes more than once.
I have interactions with the same 5 people.
I say the same 10 phrases until I feel like I am losing my mind.
I am starting to not only not know who I am anymore, but I am starting to question where I’m going.
I just want to get experience February 3rd.
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Anonymous asked: is there anyone you've met IRL after tumblr or twitter, etc. that you would actually consider fucking?
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Amanda just sent me an email with a link to a ...
Will one of you guys message Christopher and convince him that he should let me go??
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I wish these bullet posts were actual ammunition because I am rage-y and bloated and my uterus has a hankering for murder.
Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion.
I just quoted Steel Magnolias.
If I spend a lot of time with someone I start to adopt some of their personality traits. Ask me about the time I dated a guy from South Carolina and had an accent for 5 months.
My colors are...
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So many people (including myself) were extremely disappointed in the fact that they didn’t get to even say HI to some of their favorite people…let alone get to talk to them.
So, for next SNARK, I am incorporating SPEED SNARKING.
We will all just be going about our business and talking and laughing and FUCKLULZING and then a whistle will blow and all the people on the right of the...
I never apologize
not because I am never wrong, but because it’s just not my comfort zone. I worry the other person will be confrontational or reject my earnest attempts to fix things.
So, this week when I reached out to someone I had issues with lately, I was hopeful we would talk it out and put some negative shit behind us.
Ya see, this person…even though I don’t care for them…even...
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outbreak monkey
When I first got to the hotel, Heather had a plastic tupperware filled with drunken gummy bears and one spoon.
As soon as I walked in, I was offered some and apparently everyone in the room was shoveling these blobs of evil into their face using this utensil.
Being the germaphobe that I am, I scooped some into a cup and ate them from there.
However, at the friday night venue, heather brought...
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i want a do-over
therealcherilyn:
i just woke up from my nap crying because i didn’t get to say goodbye to michele & i miss her terribly & i feel like i just sucked at making plans & i want it to be friday again so i can do it all over & do it right. do it better.
i’m sorry, michele. i fucking love you & miss your stupid face.
I know that Tweetups are for random people from the internet to...
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The Roger Smith Hotel is Haunted
The hotel was built in 1927, and was renovated in 1988.
The hotel is owned by an eccentric artist and he and his wife do an amazing job with making their guests feel like family.
The hotel is NOT modern. If you’re looking for something chic and new and shiny? This is NOT it.
It has a very SHINING feel to it.
The old doors, the lighting, the decor….everything feels like it’s...
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Post Snark Gossip Bullets
Planning an event and just showing up and enjoying an event are two completely different feelings and I am not sure how I feel about it just yet.
A womblet is a belgian waffle/omelet hybrid and to be honest? It wasn’t that great.
It is almost IMPOSSIBLE to reserve a table in NYC for 35 people. I mean you can try, but when they start laughing at you? Just take that as a sign you should...