Sarkastickunt

Billboard Award Edition

• Sooooo…apparently everyone got the memo that Madonna was 55 years old except Madonna because she still thinks it’s 1994 and cool to wear your underpants outside of your boudoir and yeah…it stopped being cool when her BFF was Jean Paul Gaultier and she was relavent. Put some clothes on, Madge. 
• Oh look. Jennifer Lopez in another form fitting dress with her tits almost spilling out. 
• Taylor Swift always dresses like she is a member of the ice capades or the women’s olympic figure skating team and if that’s the case, I just wish Tanya Harding would suddenly appear wielding a retractable baton and beat the fucking snot out of that snooty, little cunt.
• Chris Brown is gross and he always looks dirty. I know some chicks dig that but knowing that after he gets mad at you he’ll spit in your face and call you a whore, I’m going to go out on a limb and say maybe he should try looking less like a scumbag and more like a guy trying to prove he’s not actually a scumbag.
• Kid Rock didn’t diss anyone, he kind of said what no one else has the balls to say. No one is a musician anymore. They are all just pretty faces holding microphones lip synching pretty tunes that someone laid on a pretty track and then markets in pretty packages and sells to all the pretty kids. So..yeah. Viva la Rock.
• Miguel laid a hammer on two chicks during his performance and even though I know he didn’t mean to do it, it kinda makes him look like a gigantic bag of dirty cocks that he just kind of pretended he couldn’t tell the difference between his feet landing on the stage and his feet making contact with someone’s fucking face.
• Everyone should pay close attention to Pitbull’s career because if you seriously want a future in the recording business, just take a geography course this way when you are on stage screaming out cities and states while someone with ACTUAL talent sings the song standing next to you, you don’t look like a tool who doesn’t know the difference between Miami and Dubai.
• No, really…that’s like all he ever does.
• Prince looks a little too much like Lauren Hill and not enough like the sex goddess I knew him to be in 1988.
• Oh…and everything else sucked.
• The end.

Life is  made up of good days and bad days and people who make the best of both.

Unless you’re a moody asshole.

Or me.

Or have a Tumblr.

So, yeah.

What was I saying again?

• My blood pressure is either really high or my migraines are morphing into something ugly and mean and I don’t like it.
• I get intense headaches and diarrhea and bloating and palpitations  and cramps and back aches and sore muscles and exhaustion and just a general feeling of MEH every single fucking time I get my period. I have had my period for 30 years. Every month. For 30 years. Yeah, The math is bullshit. 
• I have a pap smear tomorrow. However, I have my period. So I guess I have to reschedule because even though I am sure my doctor is acquainted with treacherous trenches, I will be polite and spare him mine.
• The baby fell off the bed and landed hard on her foot. She seems fine and it’s not swollen. But, She won’t let me touch it and she walks on it a little wonky. I think a trip to the Urgi-Center is in my near future.
• It’s been dark and gloomy out all day, just like my personality.
• When I have my period all I want to do is eat my pain away. Cheese cake helps better than any band aid ever could.
• I don’t have any cheese cake.
• This will not end well for my family.
• Nothing hurts more than finding out someone you thought you loved is an asshole.
• I want a turkey, bacon and avocado panini and I have no way of making it actually happen.
• It’s Sunday but it feels like Tuesday and I don’t know why or what that even means.
• I have 23 things in my Amazon cart and none of them are for me. Having kids makes it really hard to be selfish.
• And that sucks.

The shitty thing about Anxiety Disorder is you think you’re dying all the time. Every ache is a disease. Every twinge means your days are numbered.

The even scarier thing is that after awhile you  and everyone around you convince you you’re not going anywhere, and in doing so, you start ignoring very real symptoms that could actually kill you.

It’s like you can’t win.

So…Amazon just approved me for $700 worth of credit.

It’s perfectly acceptable for me to spend all of that on shoes, right?

Right.

Can someone come pick me and take me out so we can get shit faced?

Stop reblogging gross pictures just to show us how gross they are.

You think a grown man’s asshole is awesome? Right click it and make that shit your wallpaper.

Some of us aren’t interested.

I want to have a Girl’s Night Out inside of a bridal shop so that we can all laugh and get drunk and put ridiculous gowns on so we can take pics of ourselves looking all pretty because every girl deserves to feel like a princess.