I wish I knew why I had a hard time letting go of failed relationships. How did I become THAT girl that pines for all things lost and who wishes to continuously re-read the story after the page has already been good and turned?

I think it’s because I can’t just hurt and then heal. I’m envious of anyone that can. I need to rehash and rethink and relive until every detail and every ache and every mistake can be accounted for and dealt with appropriately. 

If I could re-write any part of myself it would be the one that chooses to linger. The part that knows it’s time to go but just can seem to make it all the way to the door…The part that loves so hard the imprint of it’s memory takes a life time to wash away. 

I’m not very good at editing myself.

I guess that’s the problem.

Things I really, really, really, really, really want for my 40th birthday

  1. A divorce. (Relax…everything is okay with me and chris but technically I am still married to my ex piece of shit and I want nothing more than to separate myself from him in every legal way possible.)
  2. To start my sleeve. I dream about my tattoo every day and I know exactly what I want, but to honest I would settle for a black bar across my ex husbands name because that was seriously the worst decision I ever made. (ya know…besides marrying him to begin with)
  3. New running shoes. I almost bought a pair last month, but felt guilty trying to justify spending $90 on sneakers when it’s so close to back to school shopping.
  4. New firm as fuck pillows for my bed. Seriously…my pillows suck monkey balls and I’m pretty sure they’re part of the reason I am forever in agony during the day because of how twisted I get sleeping at night.
  5. My nose pierced. I don’t know if it’s a mid life crisis or me just wanting to get in touch with my former inner bad ass…but either way, I want one. Oh, and my belly button too.
  6. Green contacts…like fo’ serious. How hot would I be with green eyes? 
  7. A fucking ruck sack bag. Is this too much to ask? I have wanted one for 15 years…can a bitch live?
  8. The galaxy Note 3…oh pretty please, Samsung gods…hear my prayer. I really want a shiny new device.
  9. A bike. Like…for realsies, I fell in love with riding a bike when we were on vacation and now I can think of doing nothing else.
  10. To have a birthday with no stress. No heart ache. No guilt. No worries. Last year, (even though my friends went above and beyond to make it special), kind of sucked…and I just want to kick off my 40th year on a high note because for the first half of my life I did nothing but beat myself up trying to make other people happy….for the remainder of my time on earth I’d just like for to be about me for a little while. 

Friday is my 40th birthday party.


Which is weird because I swear, I still feel and make decisions like I’m 23.

If only I still had 23 year old me’s ass!!!

Anyways….Friday…Brooklyn….Booze….My bitches.

You guys should come.

I’m bored. And exhausted. And changing pesto poop every hour since 330 this morning.
I need a hug. Or a nap. Or an assistant.

Although I’d just settle for someone to tell me nice things and pretend to like me.

I’m super needy

If my unhappiness had a voice it wouldn’t sound like much, because essentially it’s just an angry chick sighing at everything she hears.

This facial flushing is pissing me off. Just on one side. Tends to abate when I walk around and distract myself. Worse when I’m lying down or in bed.

I didn’t have it for almost a month and it recently started a few days ago, and I can’t decide if it’s my period, rosacea or my skin trying to kill me.

I also read somewhere that cluster headaches cause flushing to the skin and I have had a minor pounding in my head for a few days. I have no idea what I’m talking about.

My main doctor said it’s attributed to anxiety, since cold compresses cause it to go away. However, my broken brain refuses to believe anything anyone tells me. Sooooo yeah.

If you really want to experience a cluster fuck of weirdness that is Tumblr, find a random pic of a cast member of Orange is the New Black, post it to your page and then sit back and watch it get reblogged nearly 20,000 times so you can really appreciate the insanity that is this is site.

We’ve been summering and stuff.

More pics from today. I have sand in my bits.